Suburbia Morning News

Workday Declared at Local Eyesore

SUBURBIA, TX - In a quiet little neighborhood in the south part of town, there is one house on one street that is known to all the neighbors. At first glance, the house appears to be vacant, due to the layers of leaves covering the tall and unkempt grass, but after peering in through the windows, it becomes clear that the home is in fact inhabited by an extremely messy family.

"They mostly keep to themselves," said one of the neighbors, speaking on terms of anonymity. "I'll tell you one thing, I never see them doing yard work. Most of the time, I see the husband going to and from work, and every time I see the woman, she is trying to hurry those kids in and out of the minivan."

The Suburbia Morning News was able to land an exclusive interview with one of the residents of the home, who would only identify herself as Chrissy.

"I know the place is a mess," she said defensively. "I went on a trip a few weeks ago, and they just trashed the whole house while I was gone. I've been trying to catch up with the laundry, but then the kids got sick, and I just haven't had time to get everything cleaned up, okay?"

Although her claims of not having enough time seemed sincere, our investigative report has uncovered that 'Chrissy' (if that is her real name) in fact spends much of her time on the computer. She reportedly has a website where she inflicts her readers with picture after picture of her family and her vacations. After obtaining her internet records, we have learned that she spends a marginal amount of time on the writing of her blog (which can be surmised by her incoherent and badly worded posts), yet she compulsively checks her comments and site meter in a pathetic display of her need for the approval of others. She spends the remainder of her time online reading other people's blogs and leaving poorly-spelled comments for them to decipher.

According to city records, the residence has been cited in the past for having a vandalized mailbox, as well as an unruly lawn. It would appear that the grass has only been cut after receiving a warning letter from the city, and based on our observations, another letter appears imminent. 'Chrissy' referred us to her husband to discuss these infractions, but he could not be reached for comment.

As a result of our investigation, the family has declared a Cleanup Day, starting Monday morning at 8:00 a.m. Reportedly it will start with laundry, and will be followed by a thorough cleaning of the floors and bathrooms, which are in a terrible state. Chrissy has stated she expects to have very little cooperation from the other residents of the home, whom she conveniently blames for much of the mess.

We have learned from a reliable source that the family is planning to host a birthday party in the home on next weekend. Our source also claims that she dropped her child off for a playdate at the home last week, and was shocked to discover that the girl had been exposed to a wicked virus. We can only hope the home will be sufficiently disinfected during this Cleanup Day, or else untold numbers of partygoers could be affected.


(this post was written for the Monday Mission, and the assignment was to write in the style of a news article. Go to Painted Maypole's if you want to read some more. Happy Monday!)