Care and Feeding of my Children

Instructions to my 3 friends, 1 babysitter, and busy husband who will be taking turns caring for the kids while I am out of town:

Grace: Offer her food at traditional mealtimes. Don't be surprised if she ingests about 10 calories' worth at each sitting. Try not to worry about it. If you look closely at her, you will see that she is visibly getting taller by the second even though she eats nothing. It's a mystery. She can keep herself busy for hours at a time with paper, scissors, Scotch tape, and crayons. Leave her alone in her room with these items and she is likely to come out with a paper sculpture of a Christmas village, complete with snow falling on the trees and a moving paper choo-choo train.


Tommy: Seems to thrive on a diet made up mostly of things dipped in ketchup. Also, he will say that he loves green beans, but what he means is he loves to take them apart and eat the tiny little seeds in the middle. Do not fall for this scam. This does not count as actually eating a whole vegetable. His favorite source of entertainment is the CD of 70's and 80's Party Music in the player in the dining room (a.k.a. 'dance floor'). His daddy is concerned with the amount of times he replays the Billy Idol songs on this CD, but I jammed to Billy Idol at many a high school dance and I seem to have turned out okay. So just let him shake his booty for a while shouting, "Well I feel all right, yeah" and he will be fine. If you get sick of Billy Idol (and you will), just switch the CD over to "Feelin' Hot Hot Hot" or "Twist" by the Fat Boys. Then at least you can jam along with him.

Katie: She will actually eat vegetables without making a scene. She is the only one. She likes to mix ranch and ketchup to make a nice pink sauce to dip them in. She will adamantly insist on wearing mismatched clothing. Try not to waste your time stressing over it, because she won't keep it on for long anyway. Soon she will be wearing mismatched princess dress-up clothing, and will run around saying, "I a princess dancer!" while she boogies on the dance floor to Billy Idol. Katie has a certain amount of time each day that she needs to be cuddled. If her quota is not met, her mood will reflect it. Try to enjoy this as much as you can, even though it is usually at the least convenient time of day, because it won't be long before she is as independent as the other two and won't want to sit in your lap at all.

Molly the Dog: She is used to being ignored, but you must remember to let her outside from time to time or she will become spiteful and poop in Katie's room. I have learned this the hard way. Also, if you pet her too much, she will become needy and follow you around all day trying to stare you down. It's best to just let her sleep behind the couch all day.

I have already accepted that the house will be in complete disarray when I get home. Any effort you can put forth to prevent this will be fruitless, but appreciated. Just shoot for keeping them dressed in clothing that doesn't smell too badly and eating off of moderately clean dishes, because that is the standard to which they are accustomed.

And make them brush their teeth. And their hair, for that matter. They will do neither voluntarily.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking care of my kids so I can escape for a few days. Give them lots of hugs and kisses for me while I am gone.

I'll be back next week!